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Virginia Madsen's son helped her see Sept. 11 in a new light.

By Margaret Jaworski

For several years, actor Virginia Madsen, 48, didn’t celebrate her birthday. Her age wasn’t the issue; it was the date. The Academy Award nominee was born on Sept. 11.

In 2001, she canceled the party she was planning. “The next year … it’s not a day you want to wave your own flag,” she told us. Five years later, Madsen’s son, Jack, then 13, turned her around by orchestrating an intervention. When Madsen arrived at his school, Jack and all of his classmates were waiting outside to sing happy birthday to her. Jack told her, “I just wanted to remind you that it’s a great day for your birthday.”

And Madsen isn’t alone: More than 1 million people share her birth date, according to birthdayspirit.org, a website where other Virgos born on Sept. 11 recount how they’ve reclaimed the day.

Whether it’s a personal loss or a national tragedy, when a sad event overlaps or coincides with a celebratory one — be it a birthday, a holiday or an anniversary — some of us find it difficult, uncomfortable or even unseemly to enjoy the day. We surveyed those who have been through similar situations for their best advice. Their tips:

Clear the air. Openly acknowledge the duality of the day to yourself and to your friends and family. This will give everyone permission to experience whatever emotion they are feeling.

Reflect. Ask yourself, “How would the person I miss want me to spend this day? Would he or she want me to mourn or be merry?”

Commemorate the day. Volunteering your time or doing a good deed is an uplifting way to honor a loved one. For example, when you order a birthday cake online at bakemeawish.com, the company will also deliver a gourmet cake to a soldier serving overseas.

Photo credit: Charley Gallay